The Way I Am

Greetings! I know, you've missed me, I get it. Let's get on with it.

I was meaning to start this post saying that 2019 had been one of the toughest years of my life, and, don't get me wrong, it certainly has. However, a lot of recent events have made me realise that it might actually end up being quite a decent one. Yes, a lot of rubbish happened. I mean, The Big Bang Theory (sniff) and Game of Thrones (yay) ended; Arsenal didn't win any silverware - this hurts too much -, and my last relationship ended. I spent almost 5 months without working because I, and I quote myself, "didn't feel like it". Depression? Maybe. I did spend a lot of that time playing videogames and hitting the gym, though; so I'm gonna call it a win cause at least now I'm not that fat, and Darth Zids has a gorgeous stronghold in SWTOR. Oh! And my Pokemon Go team rocks.

Random pic.

I think the best part of my year (so far) has been finding myself again. I'm my biggest fan, and I hadn't seen me around in a while. I was so focused on doing things "right" in my job, in my relationship, with my family; that I had forgotten who I was. It's always hard to remember who we used to be. With a lot of that being taken away from me, I ended up and empty shell, no goals, no dreams, no reasons. It is a good thing a lot of people never gave up on me.

The first thing I had to remember was how not to give a frick (sorry, cursing is formally banned from this blog). I used to blame me for everything that had happened. I always took the whole "take responsibility" trait way too far. Ended up even putting on me things that happened because of other people's actions; and so I often made their problems my own. There's nothing wrong with lending a friendly ear to someone in need, maybe offering some sensible advice; but there's only so much each of us can hold at once, and I had more than enough with my own stuff.

There's no secret to it, you are only to blame for the choices you make, and there's always a choice. Repeat that enough times, internalize it. I'd go as far as to say that's the key to being happy. That, and going with your instincts.

I'm going with a cat here, cause they seem to always follow their instincts.
Ok, fine. I just like cats. But the first thing is also true.

Going with your instincts takes practice, that much I've learned. Bollocks, tuning down the noise is quite possibly the hardest thing I ever had to learn to do. You see, I am quite fond of sharing the highlights of my life with my friends, when you're this awesome it feels like almost a duty to lighten up their lives with the wonders of yours. What? Fine, truth is, I strongly believe everyone is awesome in their own way and that every story is worth telling. That went sideways... Point is, I'm also well aware much of that sharing is met with a bit of judgement and some well-intended advice. Advice that more often than not is more about making sure you don't get hurt, and less about you being yourself; specially if you've been struggling as of late.

The key is to blatantly ignore all of that without hurting their feelings. Quite impossible. My technique is to say "I very much appreciate you caring for me, and your opinion on the matter; but no.". I won't lie, it's not perfected yet.

My last tip on finding yourself, stay true to what you believe in. And this isn't about religion, or politics, it's beyond all that, it's about who you want to be. Sometimes it is just so easy to let us be corrupted by a world and societies keen on selling us on whatever rubbish new trend just came out, don't. Know what you stand for, what lets you sleep at night, and fight for it. I, for one, I believe in me, I believe in being kind. A lot of people that don't know me well enough will claim my honesty makes me a good person, I don't know if I'm, somehow, overall, a good person. I can tell you that my inability to lie is more a sword than it is a shield. Sure, it protects me, being caught in a lie is a weakness I don't have; but I also wield it wisely to get what I want.

So, yeah, I think I've found myself. I know it when the people close to me look at me, when I manage to sleep a whole night, when I have the courage to ask the pretty girl out, even if she has cancelled or rescheduled a plethora of times in the past. I might not have all the answers just yet, but whatever I do from now on, whatever happens, it's gonna be on me. And I believe I can manage.

At this point, dear 2019, thank you. 2020, I'm going for you; if you plan on stopping me, you better bring everyone.

See you later, noobs! I'll try my best to post something before the end of the year. Spread the love and increase the peace!

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