Arsehole

I can't remember the last time I had it in me to write 2 posts in one week, I've always been quite an emotional writer; and there's so much going on in my head right now I feel it's either this or getting sent to Arkham. Come on, they can't handle me and the Joker at the same time. Please, bear with me as I didn't get a single second of sleep last night - but a lot of SC2 Co-Op wins -, nor a lot during the past couple of days - damn you, Minecraft -. Oh, yeah, the arsehole from the tile? Me. Shocking! Specially after last post, believe you me, I bloody know. Oh, yeah, I'm also terribly upset at myself, be warned.

Like, well, me.
Remember the pretty girl I was telling you I had the courage to ask out in the last post? I wasn't really going to get into that, at least not right there and then, no matter how much I wanted to share with you how lucky I felt for meeting her; 4 days ago? It was complicated. Today? Worse.

What can I tell you that's so generic it can't be taken personal and yet so unique it might do her any honour at all? She's amazing. She's fun, she's cool, totally buff, absolutely fit. Best bum ever. Terribly good kisser. Oh, sure, she's also the strongest person I've ever met; I admire her, really, I couldn't do anything she does. She is unbelievable. Girl, you can count me as a fan. And I could've said all this 4 days ago.

The last couple days were unreal. We didn't see each other much, but we shared lots. We went from "what's you favourite colour?" to, you know, actually sharing personal stuff. And we never stop laughing. I had never gotten so close to someone so fast. And the truth is, it got bloody scary. How could it not? The last person I ever got that close with ended up hurting me quite a lot, possibly being the reason behind all the rubbish I'm going to talk about in this post. But, regarding the fear part, that's an excuse. I did not want to fall for anyone, not yet, not so fast. That's more accurate. It's not like I was pushing it, or actively trying to, it just bloody happened.

Come on, kids, what do we do when we get scared? We self sabotage! And you know I don't just mess up a bit; if I'm going to make a mistake, I go for the big ones, big league, go big or go home. Healthy stuff. This time, something new to me: Jealousy.

Jealousy

31 years of my life I had never been the jealous kind, not by far. Always so confident it would take nothing less than madness to be with someone else rather than me, it never really was an issue for me before. A little jealousy? Sure. Big time drama queen asking for explanations? Absolutely not. Girl points to a guy and says something nice, I'd tell her to go be with him, then. Always playful, never a problem. That's brand new fresh rubbish to deal with. Not thrilled.

Literally, the one person I could share this with after it had happened is a good friend of mine - in the military, currently stationed in China -. The first thing he told me was "Dude, I know it has been a while for you; and last time it was really tough. But this isn't you." Before proceeding to mock me for a while, giving me a well deserved second bollocking of the night; and, of course, suggest me to do something healthy and cool, for a change, you know.

Again, not too many details. I got jealous, and I said all the wrong things. Like, quite literally, all of them. Very little room for messing up improvement there. I doubted someone who had never given me a reason to doubt, the most bloody real person I know. I offended her, all in my own twisted logical ways; and by the end, I even tried to justify my words. ARSEHOLE!

I could've done something healthy, you know? Maybe admit to her I was jealous, try to fix it. Ideal? Not quite. But at least I could've acted on that feeling with honesty and decorum, and not like a complete wanker. Pitiful. You know, maybe a "I'm so sorry, but I'm a bit jealous, and I don't want to fuck up what we have. Is it at all possible you would mind telling me what you're doing? I think that'd calm me down quite a bit." Or wait until she got home and then ask? Like, "I know you don't owe me any explanations, but I'd love to know what you were doing, how it went, cause I got a little bit jelly and this might not only help me now but in the future." See? Still wrong, but way better than accusing someone of something without any reasons, proof, evidence or motives of any bloody kind. The worst part? I'm absolutely certain she would've tried to help me there. See? ARSEHOLE!

Mandatory kitten pic. Because of reasons.

I mean, remember the whole thing about going with your instincts, tuning down the noise and all of that advancement that I so boldly claimed I had accomplished during 2019? Yeah. I forgot all that. Or, better yet, I didn't, I just ignored it all. Humour me:

It all started when I asked her why she couldn't hang with me. That wasn't my problem. Maybe I should've known there and then something was off, but how do you identify something you've never felt before? It escalated quickly from there... I knew the words were wrong as I was typing them. I knew what was bound to happen when I hit send. I told myself time and time again to stop, to go to bed, to turn off the phone, to go out for a walk. Anything would've done, anything, except being on the phone. I didn't know who I was back then, that person I became, but I didn't like it, and it's not happening again. And so, for the first time in 6 months, I didn't go with my instincts. No, instead I went ahead and listened to the wee little voice in the back of my head that enjoys self-doubt and self-pity, and screwed everything up. Like a boss. Or, actually, like a complete arsehole.

You want to know how that ended, don't you? Twats. Well, it obviously ended bad. Like, big time deservedly bad. In a nutshell: I don't know if I'll ever see her again. To be honest, I don't think I deserve to, maybe I didn't deserve her at all from the beginning. And yet, she chose me. I know the drill, the textbook thing to do, probably the healthy thing to do. Right? Give her space, let the anger wear down. A "hope for the best, prepare for the worst" sort of thing. That's all good and fine, but I can do better.

Promises

My grandfather always tells me that if someone can figure out how to do something, that's me. And I screwed this up, so I have to fix it. All I can offer is a promise: I know it's hard to remember the people we used to be, but I know I can be better - I was better - and I can be someone who deserves her. I might not be there quite just yet, but I know I'll get there. In the meantime, I promise I'll never hold on to those negative emotions again; and I'll shut down the voices and go with my instincts. By now, it's quite obvious it's the only way forward. I know I hurt her, and that breaks my heart, I'll never forgive myself; but if I have a chance, I'll spend the rest of my days with her making up for it. And regardless of how much time - if any - I get with her, it will never be enough to make up for hurting someone so precious to me.


And girl, if for some reason you end up reading this. About that song. I don't need to be so kind...

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