All My Angels (Part I)

Hello, dear readers. Never had I ever before written, erased and rewritten a post so much as this one. It's been well over 2 months in the making, but now I've decided it's bloody time to publish it, again. Sorry for the delay. I hope you enjoy it.

Let's get to the point, this post is a suicide letter, or at least, it was. Don't get me wrong, I still fully intend to end my life on my own terms, just not anytime soon.

Background

Those of you who frequently visit the blog might have noticed a ton of posts were suddenly removed, mostly personal ones from the past 2 years or so. I'm sorry about it, specially for those of you who never got to read them, there were some pretty cool ones. Anyway, for those of you wondering why, I'll leave a brief sum-up of what happened since early 2017:

Guy meets girl. Guy screws up a couple times. Things get better. Girl leaves.

That's it? Nah, mates, that happens to everyone.

Guy begs to get girl back. Girl refuses. Girl keeps guy wrapped around her finger. When guy is no longer useful, girl ghosts guy.


via GIPHY

Yeah, that's better now. Oh, not to mention how much money guy spent on said girl, sugar daddy indeed. But, hey, I could write a whole post trashing her and getting into details of all the things she did and what she deserves, but that's a pleasure I'll let karma have. Plus, I'm sick and tired of everything being about her lately. Good riddance.

All My Angels

In the original version of this post I explained the many reasons I had decided to end my life. I think the most important part was this:

10 years ago I lost someone very special to me. My cousin, the guy was so much more than that, tho. He was a big brother, he was my hero. He was the guy I had planned to start a tech business with, to travel. We were supposed to be at each other's sides forever. We were supposed to grow old together.

(...)

That day I made a promise, that I would try and live to be 35, and if by then I wasn't feeling happy again, I would end it, I would have tried enough, it would have been enough.

So, you see, I was about to break that promise, got closer than you might think. After all, the only reason I had thought might manage to make me happy by age 35 - marriage, kids, that sort of deal - had decided that after 2 years of giving her everything I could, I wasn't worth it. Who else would ever love me again? How could I ever trust someone again? These questions remain true today. In fact, I'm pretty sure I got back my commitment issues. Can you blame me? Next time a guy is afraid of getting serious, think about what a bloody munter might've done to him.

Stan

But then came Stan. No, not a guy - tho I have no problem with that, dated a guy past week, long story, didn't end well, maybe in the next post -, the song, by Eminem.


Why? There's this line "I had a friend kill himself over some b17*! who didn't want him" that Stan writes to Slim, and suddenly it hit me, what my actions could do on those who love me. And I wouldn't want any of the ones that do love me to go trough that, lest them end a Stan. The day I die, by my choosing or not, I want it to be about something worth it, not just some minger who gave up on me.

Single AF

I hate not being in control. Come to think about it, what angers me the most is that I'm once again in this position not by my own choosing, but for someone else's actions. But, no matter what, I'm back to square 1 of the marriage and kids goal. Quite honestly, I don't see myself getting there, there's just not enough time, I'm almost 31!

Yet, I must admit, being single is a lot of fun. And not being ready - or willing - to start something serious actually makes it more interesting. I've dated, a lot. I even fell for the trap of dating apps, but I'm too picky for that, all the guys I know that are using them simply swipe right on everyone, I even read the full bios. It's just not for me, I can't be that basic. So, I went old school, and actually had people set me up on dates, with strangers! What sort of 2005 is this? And, fine, I did go on a couple Tinder dates, guilty.

Oh, by the way, for you girls out there that think a guy actually liked you cause he went through the trouble to checking you out first, gosh, don't be such twats. This is how your guy "checked you out and decided to like you":


I've dated guys - ok, just one guy, from Tinder - and we had a lot of fun, but I realised I'm definitely not gay. Quite a shame, really. And a ton of girls: a 19 year old (new record), a 34 year old (new record), blondes, brunettes, with kids, married (processing the divorce, of course), you name it. I think the most fun I've had was with a girl that went on a first date with me on Minecraft, we played and talked all night long, we got scared together in the nether and yelled in excitement when we found diamonds, we only stopped when the sunlight warned us it was bloody time to get to work. We're going out for a coffee next, maybe I should've mentioned I don't drink coffee, oh well.

What have I learned? When people know it's going nowhere in the long - or mid - term, they lie. Actually, people lie a lot. Everyone suddenly loves their families, have great jobs, hangs out with a lot of friends and enjoys - and have time for - a ton of cool hobbies. Please. We live in Venezuela, I wouldn't buy a single one of those things.

Part I

There's so much more to tell, and explain... I'll try to get Part II ready by next week, stay tuned!